I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
