Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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