Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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