You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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