can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
