I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
how drunk are you?
Several
So. Much. Porn.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize