Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
