tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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