I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Blood and glitter go together right?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
