Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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