dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
