she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Houston, we have a blender
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
