I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
