you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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