it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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