I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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