in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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