You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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