You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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