So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
