I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
