Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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