my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
