so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
