how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
