I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
