I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
