Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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