Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
