i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
