Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
