Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize