she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Randomize
