You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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