dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I would fuck him just for his dog
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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