I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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