I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
