i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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