When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
