I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
