from now on my penis is your penis
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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