i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish you could order shots online.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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