How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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