I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My room smells like vodka and shame
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize