True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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