new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
someone owes me an orgasm
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize