i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
