Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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