My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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