My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
