So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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