i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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