Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize
