Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize