Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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