Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
