Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
