when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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