he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
