she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
