You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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