Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
