I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
