I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize