chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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