So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
