Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you had me at cake vodka
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
