I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
