Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
