WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
