his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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