People with herpes should wear stickers.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
