I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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