I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
