the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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